Working hard today...feels good after being lazy yesterday. Cleaning the garage, finishing up my car, and bleeding the brakes on my brother's truck. Windy here as usual...

A tug at my heart seated deep in my breast
Swimming tears and smiles; Love’s earnest request.
Softly she called me, rending me in ‘twain
I turned to answer, but she was gone again.
Dearest, your face was agonizingly pretty,
Why did you leave me? I wasn’t ready…
Sometimes in the evening I glimpse you there
Among the trees or in the sunset fair.
Once again that bittersweet melancholy
Rolls down from the hills and conquers me,
And I am swept off to a faraway land
With great high cliffs and warm golden sand…
Lying on my back I dream of great deeds
Castles and ships and men on bold steeds.
Floating gently on an Angel’s wings,
Through drifting stars, over planets’ rings…
The sweet sounds of a piano drifting past,
How I wish the color of the sky would last.
Then it all fades like a beautiful song
Dreams are always destroyed ‘ere long…
But you, my love, are precious to me,
And soon again with you I will be.

What is it that we look for in others?
Why is it that we always let ourselves down?
How important are goals and dreams?
What price should we pay for quiet and stability?
Why can't we love well?
Is life really what you make it? Or what God makes it?
Why does worldly success still seem appealing?

I have parts and pieces of answers to these questions...And I know that more will come in time; there is confusion, yet I am more at peace with life right now than I have been for probably the better part of 4 years. I walked today in the twilight, and I realized why I often feel so disconnected with people in general: Where they see an empty room needing to be filled with joy and people, I see a unique and very appealing beauty in it's emptiness. Where they see a day off as time to go to the beach, I lay on my back on the living-room floor and wonder what I should think about. When she says, "A bunch of us are going to the lake, wanna come?" I reply, "I wish it was just me and you, because I can't really talk in a group." I look up and wish she was somehow the sky and the wind and the smell and all transparent and ethereal, and yet true and real as well. I am lost in romanticism. I used to think that it was just random emotions, and that I was letting myself be ruled by 'feelings'; but there is more to it than that: romanticism is tied deeply to the memory and the intellect as well as the emotions, and it is not easily understood or controlled. It is a wonderful thing in a way, but it can often be too much...it's great for ruining relationships. Still, I trudge on, searching for truth and a better way to live, and meanwhile, my soul is held captive by at least three different things...I need my cracked heart back someday, you know...

O Ventura, you called my name
Far from you life is not always sane
Coffee often at three in the morning
Things were hard but never boring
The mountains brood there
Foggy sea air
Filling my head too much
Books and El Pref lunch
A darkly storm drain
Smoky wind and brain
Why must she always fill me with pain?
Over soon and cars to fill
Voids and broken dreams

Finally branching out and reading more blogs...and adding links and checking out more cool websites and so on...anyways. quick question: does anyone know the name of Josh Clarke's blog, I have been wanting to read it?

Dying always

Often closed

Sleep in the hallways

For they have dozed

Asking out loud

Life is too big

Alone in a crowd

Alone with your pig

Thoughs and gaze shift

Eyes so big

Emotion adrift

Alone

With your pig

Well, I just acquired a new car...That is, I bought a 1963 AMC Rambler 660 Classic for $100 (AMC went out of business in 1969) that belonged to a senile old woman and has not been started for over 12 years. The thing is, this car is in awesome condition. The interior is beautiful except for the carpet, and the outside just needs paint. This car is a dream! Bias-ply tires, an aluminum block, 6-cylinder engine, all wheel drum brakes, mechanical steering, and a push-button AM radio! I an including a picture of the car that I found on the World Wide Web so you will all know it's beauty, but alas, I have yet to take pictures of my own. And I thought I would be without wheels this summer! (By the way, after a new battery and about 2 hours of elbow grease, including removing the oil pump to prime it, re-assembling the dash after having a key made to replace the lost one, pumping up the 40-year-old tires, and adjusting the ignition points, the car purrs like a new-born kitten! Not too shabby...)

Are there words for mystery? And I will always be in the love with the ideas...

I'm home! I have been across the continent; I have seen the underbelly of many cities; I have watched the people as they pass by; I have lost love, but I have discoved friendship; I am wounded but my sight is clearing; I am exhasted yet my enthusiasm is flying; I am...not the same...

Ahhhhh...! The perfect breakfast: last night's pizza, ice cream with special sauce, beer, and potato chips. Nothing quite satisfies the humanity in us like oddity and a bit of randomness.

"I once was a young boy who had big plans, but now I'm just another shitty old man" ---Green Day
 
I caught a glimpse of myself lately: a rather serious-looking young man in ripped jeans, a black shirt, and flip-flops; long messy hair, unshaven, walking in the rain smoking a cigarette. I look like a cross between a fucking hippie and an introverted punk! Fascinating...
In all this wandering I am wondering about this whole self-discovery idea thingy: seems to me like this (travel and new experience) is for the sake of broader knowledge and deeper understanding of the world, but if we want to know ourselves, that knowledge is already in us. It comes down to a matter of proper perspective, humility, charity, responsibility. There is a lot of talk about 'taking it easy', having fun and 'hanging out'. Of course we ought to appreciate others and indulge in wholesome craziness and relaxation, but it's easy to forget ourselves. The greatest fun, I would say, is not constantly seeking the parties and random company, but the cherishing of a true friend and the satisfaction of resolutely treading the one path. Having said all that, I look again at myself in the window of a Denver high-rise and say: 'Look at that pathetic loser! Where is he going anyway?'

Lighten up? Doesn't that mean putting aside rationality concerning that particular subject? Or does it mean changing the meaning or importance that subject holds for you? Perhaps it entails acceptance; perhaps it means curbing emotion; or a simple giving up on certain ideals. If everyone else is right, idealism is evil anyway. Are great things built on realism? But who am I to think I can accomplish great things? Still...lighten up; you wreak everyone and everything around you by this intensity.

This is the first time I have been able to get online since I began this trip, and I have posted all my in-car or late-night crash writings since Washington state. Travel is weird. It takes it out of you. But this is like nothing I have ever done before. It eye-opening, home-sickening, frustrating, beautiful, glorious overloading...