K: Hey.

F:what's up?

K: Finally, a bit of resolution. I think.

F: Really? Tell me about it.

K: Can't.

F: Hmmm. But you're happy?

K: Yes.

F: Good.

Many thoughts, many dreams
Running through a life that gleams
Like the grime in the gutter-streams
At the end of it all it means
It will never go as it seems
Because we never, ever work in teams

But we should

"Don't leave," I said.

But I wanted to leave myself.

"It makes the most sense [to stay]."

The fact is, in my mind it is already over. Still,that is no way to live life---running; giving up when you are so close. We are so sure that time is our own, and we think we are going to miss out on something if we don't do it now. The truth is, we have little control in the end. We are carried by time, people, objects, circumstances, and the occasional tsunami...and it is up to us to do what we can with the things we are passing by as we pass by them.

"So you should stay."
"Tell me that I shouldn't take this as a sign and grab something I really want."
"..."
"Is it right to feel moved to do something and do it?"
"Not always, but I think sometimes yes."
"How do we ever know?"
"Prayer."
"..."

Trust in the source of truth and love. Ask and it shall be given, though perhaps not what was desired. But that is trust---the not knowing, the acceptance combined with enthusiasm and proper ambition."

"That is an impossible balance to achieve.

Maybe for now, but not always. The way will be given.

"yes."

And now I, the man trying to convince am nearly drowning in the desire to leave. Must hold on; there is plan that is not mine, and a reason that is good. I will trust.

Look out, 'cause things are getting crazy!

I must, must absolutely must get out of this annoying, lovely, fatal place!

I want to live in Portland all of a sudden. I need a change of scene life I never have before.

Ah me, life just sucks sometimes.

11:ish PM.

Newly acquired place of residence: Glen Tavern Inn

Meg: Do you have any idea how many kids have been conceived on that bed?

(Everyone glances at the mattress everyone is sitting or lying on)

Sexy Beast: Gallons.

(Gallons of kids?)

Nuggs: Or more.

Still, something about your own place, despite the appalling drawbacks...a haunted hotel, creepy classical music playing in an abandoned lobby, a low fire burning in the hearth...I don't know, but life is good. That's why I almost stayed in Portland. Coming back was somehow a bit like a corkscrew in the chest---wind it in, and rip it out. I guess I'm just really, really ready to be done, through, out in the real world. And yet, in my heart of hearts, I know I miss it all more than I know.

God Bless, everyone

Matt Henry just got married. Married! That just blows my mind. I don't know, it's all so beautiful and crazy and incomprehensible. I staggered into a Wendy's tonight with Don and raised the remainder of the glass of wine I was still clutching in my hand in a toast to some other TACers we discovered upon our entrance. Surely life should always be this beautiful. I told dad on the phone about my plans for the future, and he said he was proud of me; there is nothing in the world like the support, the real and honest loving pride of a parent.

I just finished theology class in which I read Emma under the table for most of it and felt bad for not paying attention for the rest. Why do I do these things?

I am a man of constant turmoil. My mind is more changeable than a woman's As I have said in recent blogs, the theme of my life right now is TRUST. But I keep on asking myself when should I let the old familiar instincts kick in? Or should I ever? In Danny's beautiful words, life is like a big road trip, and part of traveling is not knowing what is next and adapting yourself to the next set of circumstances. So why am I still so damn worked up? Rich was right. When I get frustrated, I get critical of everything.

Life
Love
Sin
Contentment
Anger
Confidence
Sorrow
Fear

And now, prayer. And above all, prayer.

Perhaps I know nothing...in my eyes, in my ears, in my nose and mouth they come---all the information, the pain, the glory, the knowledge that makes no distinction between good and evil, useful and worthless...

I am struggling, for I am a passionate soul, yet the very thing I should perhaps have the most passion for, I am void of emotion and almost listless; and still I go on with it in a half-crazed, dreamlike trace, enjoying, but very, very frightened. I feel so small. And not in control. Lord I call to you.

Blissful rain kisses gently my cheek. The colors of the day stun me. Softly seep those deep feelings...what are they? I can't speak of them, they have no names.

Now for the calm part of the day
When energy begins to wither away
And the brain's fine workings are clogged with clay
Here at the far-west end of the day

And the homework wishes for my self
I shift the blame to the nearby elf
And the girl tells me all about her health
Is there someone out in all this self?

The indecision daily mounts
And little dog is about to pounce
Though he weighs little more than an once
You, most surely I will trounce

So, here I am, stumbling back to the dorm at 2:15am on a Saturday night (or Sunday morning if you prefer, but that's rather depressing); yes stumbling, but not from alcohol...I haven't had a drop tonight---I'm sick, ever so sick, and I don't know why, [I throw up twice before I get to the door]. Maybe it's from all the recent emotional trauma concerning things I don't really want think about, or maybe I'm just tired. The funny thing is, I realize fully that I am not in control of these goings-on. I prayed my rosary fervently and begged God to guide my faltering feet, and he did! And now I am reeling like a 5-year-old on a merry-go-round whose big brother has spun him too fast...much too fast. Happy? I think so. Scared? Perhaps. Confused? Most certainly. But all that matters in the end is that I know God loves me and all this insanity is part of His wise plan. So remember: when you think you know what you want and that you have it all figured out, be wary---God likes to remind us who is really in control. God Bless.

So now I ask you; do we ever know what we really want? Sitting in our chairs at lunch, or lying in our beds at night, we strain and dream and cry for all those things which if only we had our lives would be so much better...then suddenly, we are given what we ask for, and what do we do? Backpedal, cringe, worry and whine. We are miserable, stupid creatures.
I don't want to be overly depressing here, so I'll just say that despite it all, I am learning to trust. Probably the hardest thing to do in this world of 'perfected' humanity. I WANT HONESTY DAMMIT!!!! Why do you people play so many F**ked-up games! Sorry folks, I'll come back when I'm feeling better.....

Once again I have mounted the Roller Coaster of Doom. Passions running at full tilt I scan the crowd. Why? I realize that disaster is imminent, yet I cannot, I will not stop. Why? Because man must love. Because man without friendship, charity, good companions, is nothing but a grossly obsessive egocentric MORON. Because a man is not a man if he does not risk all, throw himself on the spikes, give everything to HIM. For He alone knows our inmost heart of hearts, and He alone will gently, lovingly guides our fumbling feet to a safe resting place. Faith. As Keirkegaard asks, who can have it. But desire sometimes is greatly rewarded. So I step into the deluge. I know I am sinking, but God bears me in his hand.