Funny that hope and fear are never one present without the other.

A cold shower relieves the heat of the day and reunites my body with my mind for the first time in days. I seem to be living in some sort of wind-swept dream world and I don't know if it's a good dream or a nightmare. Faces, names, duties, hopes, disappointments and fatigue pass by in high speed and the only thing grounding me is a fleeting moment of carelessness and a smoldering cigarette. For some reason I suddenly gave up on life making sense and feel as if I am laughing foolishly at the foot of the Cross. I am out of my head and all that is left is a lonely apartment and traces of indie music drifting through a foggy brain. But I seem to happy for now, so thank you Lord for that.

This is one of those times you imagine yourself sitting in the dark, staring sleeplessly off at some forlorn star, steeping in tearful despondency. Sadness fills you and you muse over past loves and dreams and wonder whether you will still be sitting there at morning light...then you kick yourself because realize this is not romantic; it is not tragic or beautiful; and no one is really thinking of you sitting alone, and no one actually cares that you are pathetic and miserable. You are a bore and you're being selfish. It is all just damned self-pity. Damn.

You will be smothered under a rug. You're a little
anti-social, and may want to start gaining new
social skills by making prank phone calls.


What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?
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Once again it is late, my undone laundry lies piled and forgotten in the corner, and my mind reels with should be's, how so's, and what if's.

So a stranger walked up to me while I was sitting on the ground behind my apartment talking on the phone with a dear old friend I have much neglected and said: "Hey, do you like Led Zepplin?" I answered 'yes', puzzled. He thrust a DVD at me and said, "Here, I'm giving this away." Then he left. And he wasn't kidding. Five and half hours of Zepplin music and footage...sometimes you just don't ask. Cool.

Just spent an interesting night at a bar in Ojai I didn't know existed; and there was a kick-ass folk music band playing. Funny how you forget sometimes that there are actually interesting people our age outside of TAC.

Do you think God calls us through our desires? If we want something or wish to go someplace, is it perhaps the whispering in our ear to draw us to His Will? I am speaking of course about those deep-seated movements that drive us to decisions that change our lives. I believe Our Heavenly Father works very subtly; and one of the best ways to remind us of our journey and the paradise that awaits is to keep us moving, traveling, losing, so that we can never quite settle down and sigh and say: this is life, and it is perfect. Most of us reading and writing these inflated, self-conscious public journals are at a point in our lives when we are waiting to start 'living a life'. What does that mean? Our days and weeks are filled with searching and wondering about how to get there and, more importantly, where 'there' is. But the truth is, we are living a life right now. It may not be the one we wish it was, but we are acting and thinking and breathing---living. So the big question: where is the balance between acceptance and ambition? It can be exhausting to be forever weighing and analyzing. However, it seems to me to be simple in theory (practice is another matter), just one word: Hope. With that word, dreams (which are essential to a healthy life), plans, and possibilities are brought under the context of heaven; if there is doubt about a direction, the risks and fears are bathed in the Light from the Narrow Gate and it doesn't matter anymore whether it is good according to our culture. It only matters that the Dark Wood is to our backs.

This is an amazing song.

...Oh please talk to me englishman
What good will shutting me out get done
Meanwhile crazies are killing our sons
Oh listen, englishman...

-Sinead O'Conner

If you didn't hear this in a haunted house when you were very, very alone and 16 years old, you won't understand how sometimes this voice shakes me with tears...

While at work...

When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear

-Tori Amos

My house is empty and campus is filling up.
The first bits of cold are whispering that it will be fall soon.
I feel as if I did not just have a vacation yet I am working harder than before.
And for once, I am not sure that I want what I say I want.

Funny how some days you just want to slip into a corner and think quietly to yourself. I miss rain and Portland oddly enough.

The last day of our high Sierra trip a storm settled over us. Three men in a tiny tent with lightning and rain thrashing outside, and the next morning a 7 1/2 mile trek starting at 9100 feet, down to 8300, back up to 9000, and down again to 7800, all in the pouring rain with 35 pound packs on our backs. This was after two days and 9 1/2 miles of lake-hopping, fishing, and a wild windy climb up broken granite cliffs to a 10,400 foot peak. Man am I tired.

Well, you won't be hearing from me for a few days; I'm off to the Sierras! Four days and three nights, filled with fishing lessons and peak-bagging. I don't quite know what I'm in for, I've never been serious backpacking before, but I am going with two seasoned hikers, so I'm not concerned. See you all soon!

Always in waves...

after a week of slow days, starting yesterday the following broke down:
Skip Loader (Big Tractor)
GMC Truck
Hedge Trimmer
Leaf Blower
and
Golf Cart

Thankfully most of them were pretty easy fixes, but I was in to the middle of at least 3 special projects for Mr. Rioux; nothing like interruptions to make a day escape you.

Also, the Europe trip in gaining shape: I will be flying to NY ($144.00) in the last week of May, and from there to Shannon, Ireland ($189.00). These prices are incredible! A lot of searching has really paid off. After that I will make my way across Europe, hitchhiking, monastery-hopping, and sleeping in subways. My enthusiasm may be getting ahead of me, but a man must dream!

Europe's seduction of my soul has been long and multi-faceted. I have dreamed, cursed, lamented and lusted...and her call has finally conquered. I spoke with someone last night who spend a summer sleeping in the highways and parks while hitchhiking across Poland. I don't know, but I can't take it anymore. At this point nothing can stop me. I will probably end up selling my computer, cars, motorcycles, anything I have that has value in order to get there. Crazy? yes; stupid? probably; but I will probably never be serious enough to do it again, so now is the time. It can't happen (for many reasons) until after Christmas, perhaps until next summer, but happen it will. I am bought and paid for.

Very excited...

I found some good (I think) resourses for publishing some of my work (art and short stories) and I also got quite a bit of work done in the art realm this weekend, along with Sushi, a little music, and one good night's sleep. I also have smoked way too much. And had a few too many extremely intense conversations.

Stink
Sink
Blink
Wink
Think
Unlink
I think...

Sad grounds crew menber, I choked out an album to commemorate your tragic death...I call it...................

ashce

It is cold this morning on the street
Tired shoes on weary feet
Forgot my keys, music and books
In a world of my own without their looks
An empty shop; an empty mind
Searching a quiet spot to find
Another cup of coffee to help unload
One more cup of coffee for the road

Oops...

Lately I've...
Read a few books
Endured some looks
Sang some hooks
Avoided some crooks
Chatted with cooks
Thought about rooks
While wishing on brooks
And hiding in nooks...