Crashbox

What is it that we look for in others?
Why is it that we always let ourselves down?
How important are goals and dreams?
What price should we pay for quiet and stability?
Why can't we love well?
Is life really what you make it? Or what God makes it?
Why does worldly success still seem appealing?

I have parts and pieces of answers to these questions...And I know that more will come in time; there is confusion, yet I am more at peace with life right now than I have been for probably the better part of 4 years. I walked today in the twilight, and I realized why I often feel so disconnected with people in general: Where they see an empty room needing to be filled with joy and people, I see a unique and very appealing beauty in it's emptiness. Where they see a day off as time to go to the beach, I lay on my back on the living-room floor and wonder what I should think about. When she says, "A bunch of us are going to the lake, wanna come?" I reply, "I wish it was just me and you, because I can't really talk in a group." I look up and wish she was somehow the sky and the wind and the smell and all transparent and ethereal, and yet true and real as well. I am lost in romanticism. I used to think that it was just random emotions, and that I was letting myself be ruled by 'feelings'; but there is more to it than that: romanticism is tied deeply to the memory and the intellect as well as the emotions, and it is not easily understood or controlled. It is a wonderful thing in a way, but it can often be too much...it's great for ruining relationships. Still, I trudge on, searching for truth and a better way to live, and meanwhile, my soul is held captive by at least three different things...I need my cracked heart back someday, you know...