morning is a time for new chances;
evening a time for recollection.
woman---
what is she?
a gnawing hunger that slices open the soul
rushing to the warm lighted windows
so inviting...
once there
ever fighting
to flee the perceived strangling box
yet always cold and wondering outside.

a lovely flower; a clean fountain.
remain ever vulnerable
for she is goodness,
and she loves you with open and honest abandon
the eternally broken heart...
receives its consolation

Dreaming of those Hot-Rod days of summer; of fast cars and road trips, junk food, late nights and the beach. Don't y'all disappear...

a hard time we had of it
at the end we preferred to travel at night
sleeping in snatches
with the voices singing in our ears saying
that this was all folly


journey of the magi

---t.s. eliot

An ocean swell...
Salt on the breeze
O ring the bell
That draws men to the seas

I feel the clammy mist
In my face and hair
I cannot resist
The dark ocean's dare

Must ride the waves
Cold in the storm
My atrophied soul craves
A bold break from the norm

To be strong...
To be a man
To see God in the struggle
To filled with humble awe...

Somewhere in the latent heat of this bleary-eyed morning I stagger to a car with no alternator and a cloud of blue oil-smoke blowing out the back that would hide a box van full of Illegal immigrants. Why, why do I refuse to respect this hapless receptacle of my soul with the simple rest it requires for continued existence? Ah well, a night in the Santa Ana winds with guitars and a hacky sack, fresh guacamole and my best friends. Worth every pain. Some one please wake me from this giddiness, this fog-brained stupor of joy and contentment. Life is supposed difficult, right? And it is, sometimes, but occasionally, perhaps only once in a lifetime, God gives a Gift, a gift of Selflessness and Charity; and life is suddenly truly worth living, and all the hardships are but flat tires and blown radiators on the Great Road Trip of Life. And we all know that with a dab of grease here, and a tweak of a wrench there, and you'll be on your way again. But enough! I'm dead this morning, and will not properly rise from the crypt until the Rites of Sleep have been solemnly performed...

I've been having too much fun with my blog template. I feel powerful and clever because I can decide the colors and fonts, ahhhhhh, yesss!!! Anyways...
After two solid weeks of running basically on an emotional and sugar-drenched coffee high, I finally got a good night's sleep. Now my body has it's foot in the door and is trying to trick me by making me feel even more tired than when I wasn't sleeping. Very devious, but I will stand firm.

What is this hypocrisy I hear about in Oregon? 'We can't allow gay marriage, but we must treat all equally, so no one gets married.' What??!!! What is it about Natural Law that makes people feel as if they must deny it on principle? Read more about it on Heraclitus Changing.

Neoteronous has a beautifully written summary of the feelings of many of us frustrated intellectual adventurers that you should read. I would write more, but my mind is awash with flotsom.

Just read Heraclitus' post on JM's crash site...moved...I have been to that spot, though not in a year. Many things are filled with romance and melancholy, and the world is at once made sad and agonizingly beautiful...The look in the sad girl's eyes as she tries to forget the pain and remember what it is like to be happy; the tired worker stumbling home from work with the faded grin and the noble handshake, who knows he is a man, though life is hard; the pathetic reminders of the death of a friend that make you think of him but mock him because they are not him. God gives us all things wonderful and terrible and we love Him for these gifts, for they lead us to inexorably to the glory of the beatific vision if only we choose Him.

mist rolls in again
across the little town
so very long its been
since i had my crown

but it was handed back
by her with smile sad
on my head is now sat
like when i was but a lad

the small whispering fire
reaching out in heat
so very very tired...
near me have a seat

outside the kids are laughing
heavy in the night air
on me her head is resting
soft and golden her hair

I have not slept more for more than 4.5 hours per night since last Wednesday. I got up at 7 this morning after going to bed at 3:30 and my muscles felt diseased. I have partied, laughed, contemplated and cried. [studied?] My mind is somewhere between a little fishing boat off the Ventura coastline and a pretty blonde with eyes that are occasionally purple. My brother has been in town for a little while now, and I cannot get over how nice it is to hang with him. He has and always will be my best friend. My Antonia moved me beyond words---its like Cather says in her introduction: [paraphrase] "You just don't understand unless you grew up that way. Its a kind of freemasonry." I will always be a romantic farm boy.

Happiness makes every pain worth it. The joy and relief at the end of it all gives the suffering new light. Our class is truly amazing. I love every one of them. Thank goodness, the end is in sight.

And now more confusion. Jumping from one to another with no shame or reason. Say you love her but you love your own concept of her, drop that, fall again and jittering fear...

Happy seniors everywhere...no one in class. I think its all finally over...oh wait...two more months. [sigh] Lets get going.

Learning many things tonight...that the moods of others can change my own in an instant. That love is perhaps the most complicated thing there is. That...well, fuck it. I am depressed, and there seems no way out at the moment. It all be good later. Be happy y'all, sadness sucks.

Another day of scholastic wonder, with a pleasing degree of satisfaction. Cones and projection and generatrices?! How marvelous!

[Various Rantings] Will somebody explain idealism to me?! How much to allow as a measurement of standards and how much to throw out as pettifoggery? (Pettifoggery? The McKeon metaphysics, baby!)

And what about time? A legitimate excuse for avoidance of decision-making?

I have been slapped with the wickedness of introversion. The way it was put to me: heaven is a community of love made up of all of the blessed, united in a single action---beholding the creator. Hell is an isolated hole with neither love nor companionship and with no purpose but personal misery. Therefore, I, (an introvert,) am living out a foreshadowing of my coming time in Hell. (Due largely to the selfish, self-pitying habits I am building by cutting myself off from others.) Even though I am joking a little with regard to myself, I am really not being sarcastic here; I am honestly affected by the argument, it seems very true...
So try to recognize the love shown to you, and never forget charity to others.

[Thoughts on T.A.C.] I love you like an over-protective mother; you will become dearer after I have left you, but for now, GET ME OUT!

I'm afraid that most of my blogs have been a little preachy and very similar in message...but what the hell. I tend to be a little emotional, and often very confused. Still, life is infinitely interesting, if not a little painful. The other day was one of total wonder---you know, those days when everything you encounter is fascinating beyond words, and all your friends look at you funny and say: "cool...well, when you feel better come find me." Yeah.
I've noticed that people are never really satisfied, and that includes myself. Except maybe priests or certain married people; I guess just people who feel confidant that they are doing God's will explicitly. Most of us though have this trouble where we pursue all kinds of ideas and projects, many of which are very worthy of pursuit, yet there is a pervading dissatisfaction with everything. Ah well. We'll all get married or something like that someday, and then we'll be so overwhelmed with responsibility and problems to solve that we won't have time to think about these things.

Location: Glen Tavern Inn
Occupation: Southern Comfort and Coke, and Red Hook.
Events: Pleasant company, wonderful dirtiness, and a bit of emotional unloading.

Never underestimate the power of good friends and a temperate drink. A little release from the daily pressure without drowning in melancholy bitter abandonment. Because it all comes back in the morning. Done right though, there is found great solace; even though I still love her, and she is not here...

Tell me, is life dark? Yes, but I am still happy.

Life.
Life?
Life!

What is it?

Poop

No complaints. There is such beauty. Truly

Chilly mountains rising among the high, wispy clouds. The peace and calm of the empty road. Snow. Just a little, but enough for a couple of snowballs aimed at any chance spot of bare skin. The car is almost out of gas, but God is with us. A crumbling dam, two tunnels and a stream. Crossing the stream on broken-down matted piles of bamboo from the rainstorm; who knows how deep the water was under us. They both fell once---it could of been very bad, thank goodness for guardian angels. Motorcycles almost hit the rock we knocked into the road when we climbed to the top the arch of the tunnel. And guess what? There is a cave behind the concrete face. I don't know, but there is a soothing of the soul, a rejuvenation of the mind and the emotions here, in the mountains on a lazy Sunday. Some my own conclusions were a little surprising, but you know, it's good to have a somewhat clearer head. Protect me from myself, dear God, and guide me to do your will.